What to Do Next When You're Not in Control

I had found out that one of the people I had been searching for most of my adult life was not actually biologically related to me. I had also found out that he knew who my birth mother was and where she currently resided. I suspected that she would not be happy to be contacted by him, simply based on his characterizations of their relationship which did not sound as if it had been a happy one. He would not reveal her name to me so that I could contact her directly.

This was a control freak's nightmare.

Having found one part of my puzzle, I was dependent on that part to complete the search. This was a man that, as the airport announcements phrase it, I "did not know well" and I needed to trust that he would make contact on my behalf in a way that would not alienate, frighten or anger my birth mother in such a way that she would refuse to connect with me. All I had in my control was the letter that he would deliver to her.

I decided that the first contact letter I had written to my golf pro was a good starting point. Obviously, we now had the critical new information that he was not a genetic match, so that information needed to be conveyed, and she needed to brought up-to-speed on his desire to protect her anonymity. Hopefully, this might positively color any interaction that she had with him.

When I returned from my holiday, I drafted the following letter and sent it with the genetic testing report and photographs via Fedex (that company plays a huge role in making all my first contact possible!) so that I could, at the very least, track when things arrived.

I imagine that this letter and the contact leading up to it are probably quite a surprise to you; please know that it is not my intent to cause you discomfort or to intrude in your life in any way. I hope that this letter is the first step in connecting with you in whatever way you feel most comfortable.

I have been searching for my biological origins for more than 15 years; approximately one month ago, I made contact with XXXX XXXXXX as a result of a tip that I received after placing a classified ad that I ran in the Albany Times-Union "looking for Capital region golf pro from Cuba."

XXXXX and I compare information and both believe that he is the man described in the non-identifying information that I received from Catholic Charities. After paternity testing (results attached), it was determined that he is not my biological father, however, we believe that he was present at the time of my birth and that finding him has led me to you, my biological mother. XXXXX has been very respectful of your privacy and right to anonymity; he has agreed to forward this letter to you without disclosing your name or contact information to me. It is his belief that it is best that he facilitate this initial contact between us, as he wants to guard your identity and not provide information that you would not wish shared. This way, the choice to make contact with me is wholly yours.

Perhaps the best way to begin is to first establish my own identity. According to my birth certificate, I was born in Utica, NY in Oneida County on May 3, 1970 and was relinquished for adoption following my birth. Catholic Charities of Oneida and Madison Counties facilitated my adoption and I was placed with my adoptive parents in late June, 1970 after spending about seven weeks in Catholic Charities' foster care.

My adopted name is Lisa Joy Sanger; I grew up outside Utica, NY in a very small town with a loving family. I graduated from Bard College in 1992 with a BA in history and moved to Houston, TX shortly thereafter where I still reside with my husband, a NASA software engineer and our three dogs. I direct a six institution scientific collaborative based at Rice University that aims to bring biomedical researchers from various disciplines together for unique training and research opportunities. When not working, I'm an avid reader who loves to travel. I have attached photos for your reference.

Please be assured that I do not desire anything from you other than the opportunity to correspond with you now or possibly meet you some day in the future if that is agreeable with you. It is not my desire to invade your life in any way. I will respect your privacy and will honor your decision. I look forward to speaking with you very soon; I will welcome your call or email no matter what the outcome may be.

It was the best I could do. I hoped the letter conveyed my personality, but more than anything, I wanted her to realize that I represented no threat to her life as she knew it. I didn't want or need anything from her other than the information she could provide about my medical history, my family background, and other anecdotal pieces of life history. She needed to understand that she didn't need to fear me: I'm not crazy or unhappy or likely to show up on her doorstep unannounced. I just need to know some things that only she can tell me.

Once again, the outcome was in someone else's hands. Once again, I found myself waiting. This time, unlike all the times before, this wait was for the final payoff. Everything, years of searching, hoping, dreaming, worrying and praying, was riding on XXXX's ability to act as my intermediary and the end result would be my birth mother's decision.