Probably the single greatest source of information for me when searching over the years came from the wonderful people on the NY Adoptees Yahoo group. They share their stories, answer questions, support each other and generally provide insight based on best practices and their own personal experiences. It was because of that group that I decided to write Catholic Charities again in summer of 2007 and ask for an updated non-identifying information report.
Why, you ask? According to other people who had asked for new information, significant shifts in the perspective of social workers, case workers and coordinators have occured in the last ten years. What would have been considered identifying and, as a result, forbidden to release in previous years was now routinely incorporated. Most notable in the shift was a move from pure information, often listed in a way that made one think it was stock information, to a more narrative response, one that often included additional information on home visits, psych evaluations and even the perspective of all the participants in the pre-adoption process.
Why not? What could it hurt? Best case scenario, I learn more for my search and worst case scenario, nothing new is revealed or they refuse my request. About a month after my initial letter, I received a response and it was better than I could have hoped for. My initial report was two quite vague pages from 1993 but in 2007, I received a robust six page response that was filled with detail and emotional gravity. The highlights were that my birth mother's parents and my alleged birth father opposed me being surrendered for adoption but they all supported my birth mother in the right to make her own decision regarding my welfare and future development. My alleged birth father's background was significantly detailed: he had four children with his wife who he was separated from, the Catholic Charities psychologist thought he displayed paranoid or schizophrenic tendencies, and my birth mother clearly believed that staying with him was not in her best interest.
Reading quickly through the letter in my car once I had retrieved it from the mailbox, I was wracked with a wave of emotion I had only rarely felt during my search--they wanted me, they loved me, they couldn't imagine giving me up. Tangible, written proof that this had been a heartbreaking, gut-wrenching experience for all of the adults involved; I was not just some mistake that they quickly dispatched nor had my birth mother been forced to give me up by an overbearing conservative family. She had exercised informed consent. She had been in charge. She waffled. She loved me. This came through in a way that it never had in the previous characterization of "birth mother stated child would have a better life if given up."
I've included copies below of the three pieces of correspondence I received over the years because I believe that 1)it's important for people to understand what this information looks like to the adoptee when we receive it, 2)the relevance of the details cannot be understated and 3) I find that people are often fascinated by them.
I kept coming back to the fact that the new information told me that my birth mother had given me a name. Only someone who loved you would make you real by referring to you by name. Why hadn't that been mentioned to me in previous reports?
Do the Harris County Hustle
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