The tickets were purchased, the hotel reservations made, the reply card returned for my cousin's wedding. A day I had waited a lifetime for was actually going to happen. So why was I so calm? Why wasn't I nervous? Why I wasn't freaking out?
Preparation, preparation and more preparation. A lifetime of preparation, two decades of potential scenarios and two years of conversations. I hadn't rushed into this. I hadn't forced this. I was ready and more importantly, so was she.
I focused on creating a scrapbook that I could give to L that would give her a visual record of many key moments in my life that included pictures and stories about everyone closest to me including my parents, my brother, my aunts/uncles/cousins, my grandparents, my friends and of course, my husband. I wanted to be certain that I wouldn't forget to tell her any stories that she might want to hear and wanted to leave her with proof that my life has always been a wonderful one. I knew that, until she saw a pictorial record, she might never allow herself to truly believe that her decision was the right one, one that she need not feel guilty about any longer.
I thought about questions that I might ask her in person. Questions that had been too difficult to ask as a disembodied voice over the phone. None came to mind. We had spoken so many times that I truly believed I could ask about anything except the verboten topic: who is my birth father? And as I've said before, I actually don't care about that anymore. Whoever he is, he doesn't know I exist, and if he is still living, he would be shocked to learn of me. I'm not worried about him right now.
More than anything I thought about what it would be like to see people who looked like me. Would I be able to immediately see a resemblance? Would we have similar mannerisms? What would she think?
I wasn't nervous at all. I was ready. I knew it was the right thing to do at finally the right time. The fact that I was able to combine it with a joyous wedding and an opportunity to see family members I hadn't seen in years only made it a more perfect opportunity. I was excited and I was prepared for anything.
Happy Chinese New Year
1 week ago